CRUSHING HIS DREAMS

It May Be the Only Way to Make Yours Come True

In a recent national poll of sixth grade children, both boys and girls were asked what they wanted to become when they grew up.  Impressively enough, a young lady’s dreams far outpace their male counterparts in both scope and complexity (glass ceiling beware).  Up and coming young women aspire to bring joy to the sick and poor, inspire their fellow man to do better, and to bring world peace to, well… the world.  We like to think that a major reason for this sharp rise in expectations is due to fashion magazines like the one you are reading now.  Where as women at one time only thought about nursing, teaching and home care, today’s youth are focused on using their wealth, influence and public personas to make the world a much sexier place to live.  But what about your dreams?  As the generation that bridged that gap between Madonna and Lady Gaga, what bag of dreams are you left holding, and more importantly, has your significant other’s dreams outpaced your own?

Click to read more ...

BE YOUR OWN BLIND DATE

Dorothy Parker Was Wrong –Men Often Make Passes At Women Who Can’t See

It’s no longer enough to be aloof.  You must be completely unaware. How many times have you bemoaned the amount of work dating entails? All the research, the due diligence, the preparation, the investment in absurd makeup fads, the hours of getting ready beforehand for who-knows-what.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you could attract men with your eyes closed? Don’t just be carefree - abandon all responsibility, and have men flock to meet you. There’s nothing more irresistible to men than a warm welcome from someone totally unavailable.  We’ll show you how with these twelve steps to this eye-catching (and hiding) look.

Click to read more ...

WHAT IF MY FACE TRANSPLANT IS UGLY?

Questions Science Can’t Answer

The wonders of modern science never ceases to amaze me.  Nowadays we’re able to grow organs in fat people, visually repair people who have let age get the best of them, and most recently, perform a complete face transplant.  

That’s right, there’s now a medical procedure that will allow a doctor to graft the face of a different person on to your body.  Now you might be saying to yourself, “What would I possibly do with someone else’s face?  Aren’t I completely beautiful the way that I am?  Why would I ever want to stand in the DMV line twice in the same year?”  These are exactly the hard hitting questions that I asked several reliable sources who are familiar with the procedure, and here are some of the answers I received.

Click to read more ...

Don’t Let Your Baby Look Old!

Your Baby May Act Their Age, But They Don’t Have to Look It

Your skin is the largest organ you’ve got. You wouldn’t settle for looking less than your youthful best, why would you want any less for your baby? Wrinkles, dry skin, second chins can sneak up on you before you know it. Don’t let your baby look any older than it has too. Below we present seven  tips to keep your fourteen  month old looking four months old and as good as new.  Remember a cosmetician’s advice is not to be given preference to a real doctor, so be sure to check with your pediatrician about what’s right for your baby before trying any of these yourself at home.

Click to read more ...

DRUNK’S MORE FUN

A Holiday Guide

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… again. Christmas carols are playing from every loudspeaker within earshot, and elderly relatives are already calling to see what you want and what they should cook. Your boss is grumpily wondering if Christmas Day is a “real holiday” and asking HR if they can deduct everyone a vacation day. Your sister has once again dictated everyone’s holiday plans by scheduling Christmas Eve at her house, which she gets away with every year because she asks everyone in July, and nobody can think up a good excuse fast enough. (I’m ready for her next year though. Toe surgery scheduled for Christmas Eve 2012. Bring it on sis!)

It’s a crying shame that what used to be a beautiful, happy, giving time of year has morphed into a stressful, commercial, going-into-debt, refill-your-Xanax time. I yearn to return to the carefree Christmases of my youth, and after much experimentation, have decided that the solution is very simple: alcohol. Not falling down drunk, and not unable to function, and not getting fired, but finding that sweet spot of having just enough juice in your system every day to make it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown,

Click to read more ...